In search of simplicity...

Originally posted 2/6/2009, transferred from other blog

One resolution I have made recently is to strive for more simplicity in my life. At present, I have a number of habits that counteract that goal:

• I am a packrat of the worst variety. I hoard every paper, e-mail, or object for fear that I might need it later. This means an ever-growing pile of things that I don't need and that take up room.
• I am also a procrastinator. Why do the tasks that I actually need to do when I could surf the net or play Flash games online, right? This tendency, combined with the one above, adds to the clutter in my life. For example, when I get mail (bank statements, credit card bills, junk mail, etc.), I tend to just throw it into a pile and forget about it. This means that, several months later, I have to go on a mass purging that I never want to do because it's so unpleasant. And the pile grows and grows.
• I tend to hold onto the past. I find myself continuing to be mad at guys who jilted me several months ago, college and high school acquaintances who were asses to me, and even family members whose decisions I feel were not in my best interests.
• If a new activity or opportunity arises, then I feel like I simply must do it...unless, of course, it's something that'd actually benefit me career-wise or life-wise. Haha!

In short, I have a tendency to welcome various forms of clutter and complication into my life which accumulates and causes me annoyance and stress later on. Plus, all that clutter tends to have a rather demoralizing effect on my mood. (NOTE: When I say "clutter," I mean not only physical objects but also issues and drama, as well.) I always want to be free of that, and I sometimes make inroads but never permanent ones.

I recently started reading this blog called Zen Habits, and I have found lots of its advice very helpful. Even if I don't follow the specific tips, the inspiration factor is itself amazing. I have been inspired to do a number of things:

• Go through that pile of mail and, this time, keep it from ever growing again.
• Get rid of all but two credit cards.
• Switch to paperless bills and bank statements. (I.e., through e-mail)
• Mass purge of my e-mail inbox--also stop being an e-mail packrat
• Organize, well, everything. Reduce clutter. Increase the amount of floor space in my room.
• Let go of past hurts and resentment; avoid toxic people, and others who might bring me down. (That is, reducing mental clutter and human clutter.)
• Simpler ideas for meals and snacks. Including making more food in bulk in advance--perhaps taking advantage of my freezer space.

These are just a few of the things I have started doing and want to do in my life to de-clutter it. There are other things I'd like to do in the long term, such as embracing some degree of minimalism in terms of the actual amount of stuff I have. I think that'd make my life even better. As scatter-brained as I am, I think minimalism of some sort would be very beneficial to me, indeed! We'll see...

The Joy of Energy Healing

Originally posted 2/2/2009, transferred from other blog

For the unaware: Reiki is a Japanese energy healing method that involves the practitioner laying his/her hands on the client in order to channel "universal life force energy" into that person for healing (physical or mental/emotional) or just for general well-being. For more detailed info, please see this site.

I've already had Reiki I for several months now, after my training back in spring of 2008. It basically allowed me to transmit energy to others by the laying on of hands. (Not unlike what happens in some Christian churches.) Over the past week, I've had two classes in Reiki II, day-long classes on 1/25 and today (2/1). I already am getting benefit from it. I feel as if my Reiki energy is more powerful and, therefore, more helpful to myself and others. In addition, I can now do serious mental/emotional healing and distance healing. That's right, you can transmit Reiki energy to others (and yourself) from a distance and into the past and future.

I think I will find this particularly useful for helping friends whom I cannot necessarily see in person and for giving mental/emotional healing to myself and others. I look forward to seeing what I am able to accomplish with this new level of Reiki. Wish me luck! :-)

Just started spinning

Originally posted 2/2/2009, transferred from other blog

I had my first spinning lesson last Wednesday (1/28) at Mind's Eye Yarns in Cambridge. It was pretty good, too. The instructor is really smart and knows what she's doing. She introduced me to the basic technique with Romney wool, which is great for beginners, and showed me some other tricks as well. I also seemed to pick it up fairly easily and was spinning decent, if thin, yarn by the end of the lesson. I ended up staying for the knitting group.

At the end of the night, I paid for my lesson, the spindle, and four ounces of the Romney wool. I’ve only done a few yards of this so far, but I’m enjoying it. Once I’m done with it (spinning and plying), I may kool-aid dye it or something. It’s not the prettiest ever, but by damn, it’s mine! ;-)

Once I have moved on from spinning Romney wool, my next goals include merino wool and cotton. (Since I'm from Mississippi and have family members in agriculture, it might be possible for me to obtain cotton in bulk at relatively low rates...) I'd also like to do things with alpaca and cashmere fibers. Honestly, though, what excites me even more than the type of fiber I'm using is what I can do with it in terms of bulk and color. I'm already imagining what I could do with dyes...

Don't worry, you will hear more about my spinning adventures!

DIY more expensive?

Originally posted 1/25/2009, transferred from other blog

What is the world coming to when it is actually more, rather than less, expensive to make something yourself instead of purchasing it? I learned this a couple of weeks ago when I made an inquiry about spinning on Ravelry. My specific question was as follows:

I really like the idea of spinning. Not only does it seem like a quaint and appealing practice that brings you closer to the earth, but I also like the idea of being able to make the kinda yarn I want, instead of settling for what someone else has already thought of.

However, this leaves me with one question: Is spinning economical? That is, would it save me money to make my yarn myself, or am I better off buying $4-6 skeins online or at craft stores? Should I consider seriously spinning my own darn yarn (lol) on a regular basis, or should I just buy my yarn most of the time and treat spinning as a hobby or occasional diversion?

Thank you for your time!

If you, too, are on Ravelry, then click here for the whole thread. Basically, the responses were varied, sometimes suggesting that it could be economical but mostly that it would be more expensive than buying mass-produced, millspun yarn. One poster specifically indicated that she could buy things for much less than making it herself, that she did it only for the enjoyment of it.

Later, I mentioned this to my very left-wing roommate, who pointed out the role of cheap labor. Workers are not paid decently for the amount of work they do, and this translates into cheap, mass-produced goods. Moreover, raw and unprocessed materials are so difficult to come by, it becomes easier to just go to the store and buy something.

This just goes to show how pernicious capitalism is, that it would be able to take away from us the joy of do-it-yourself and that special connection to the items you use. It has made us a society dependent on big business and hard-pressed to create lives outside of its influence.

It's not just yarn and knitting, either. It's more expensive to buy organic and fresh foods than it is to get some unhealthy processed foods. It's more expensive to get fair trade goods than it is to buy something mass-produced with unfair labor practices. This is how we get trapped in an unjust and dehumanizing system.

Personally, I do make some efforts to avoid this. I knit and crochet, and may start spinning soon. I try to use fresh and organic foods when I can. I also try to buy "fair trade" whenever it's available. Of course, even that requires dough. I am lucky enough to be able to afford to do these things, to some extent. Others do not have the means and are stuck with mass-produced even more so.

I can help but hope that there may one day be some way to promote sustainable lifestyles where do-it-yourself, organic food, fair trade, and other such things can be more than a hobby or luxury. That's what deliberate and sustainable lifestyles are for...

Steel Magnolias or Heathers?

Originally posted 1/21/2009, transferred from other blog

This is an expression of my lingering discontent with the queer community -- well, really, the gay male community -- and the way it's members treat each other. Specifically, I am speaking of the way all queer persons, including and especially gay men, should be treating each other...versus the way we generally do treat other.

To put it quite briefly: I came out of the closet and into the gay community expecting Steel Magnolias; what I got was Heathers.

Steel Magnolias told the story of five strong and vivacious Southern women who supported each other through thick and thin, celebrating with each other through the good times and supporting each other through the bad. Sometimes they laughed with each other, sometimes they argued with each other, but always they nurtured each other.

This is what I wanted -- and naïvely thought I'd find -- when I found my way into the gay community. Having grown up in a heteronormative society, and in a particularly heterosexist culture (the Deep South, specifically Mississippi), I wanted nothing more to find a community of people who could and would understand and support me -- and me them. We share the misfortune of being in a heteronormative and often heterosexist society, and it is only rational that we should band together and be a source of safety and comfort to one another.

Did this happen? Not exactly. While I did make lots of GLBT friends, and continue to do so as time goes on, I had a lot of negative experiences with the gay male community in particular.

Heathers is a movie about a high-school clique, a group of popular girls who not only lord their social status over their fellow students and treat them like garbage but also undermine and backstab each other in the process. This is largely what I've seen from the gay male community.

• I have had other gay guys be catty to me and try to wreck me emotionally simply because I was there and an easy target.
• I have been shunned by other gay men for being too openly gay, for being too political, for being insufficiently masculine or "in shape," for not looking like the guys in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogues, for not being outgoing enough, for , for , for
• I have been told by other gay men that I am ugly, undateable, unworthy, un-this, un-that.
• I have heard stories from non-white gay male friends about being subject to racism in the largely white-dominated gay community.
• I have seen entirely too many gay personal ads that say "no fats, flamers, or fems" and other stuff like that, with no immediately evident recognition of these people's basic human value.
• I have seen too many mainstream gay magazines and gay films whose models and actors are always conventionally attractive.

Last, and perhaps most important and unfortunate, I have sometimes allowed this to affect my own self-image -- actually starting to see myself the way that I imagine other gay men see me. Thinking I'm unattractive even though I have a cute face, an acceptable body, and fairly decent fashion sense -- and, quite frankly, am pretty doggone adorable! ;-) Thinking I am undateable even though I possess a number of positive personal characteristics, substantial intelligence, and a good heart. Thinking I need to change myself to find happiness when all I really need is to find the various blessings that Allah (a.k.a. "God," "Jehovah," etc.) has placed in this world for me.

I want to get mad at someone. Should I get mad at the specific people (gay men and others) who have mistreated me and other fellow gay men? Should I get mad at the gay male community as a whole for engendering/condoning/allowing this? Should I get mad at society itself for turning so many gay men into such horrible creatures, into Heathers with Y-chromosomes? Should I get mad only at myself for having ever allowed anyone -- be it a homophobe or a nasty, catty gay man -- to make me feel less than I truly am?

I have to blame society in part. As many of my friends have pointed out, growing up gay means being subjected to a number of negative and damaging emotional experiences, and all of these nasty attitudes and behaviors on the parts of gay men can be seen as a defensive maneuver. If you have been told you are inferior or unworthy, then convince yourself that you are superior, worthier, and entitled to special treatment and benefits -- while everyone else, including and especially your fellow gay men, are to be treated as inferior. By treating others selfishly and nastily, you are thereby confirming the status of superiority you have assigned to yourself. Google the term "narcissism" or "narcissistic personality disorder" and you are likely to find a number of sources identifying low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy as possible root causes.

Understanding it, however, is not sufficient to erase or counteract its effects. No matter how many people tell me, or how many times I tell myself, that I am an incredible, beautiful human being, there will always be the nagging voices lingering in my head that want me to believe otherwise, hoping to increase their own worth by diminishing my worth and anyone else's that they can reach.

No, what we need is something more profound from the GLBT community more broadly and from gay men specifically. Something like a commitment to make Steel Magnolias a reality for us all and to put the Heathers of the gay community in their place. Creating a world where every young gay boy coming out of the closet can find that supportive network of people who will help him to be the best darned homo he can be!

When someone figures out how to accomplish that, please let me know. For the moment, just take a moment to talk to some of your friends about this; plant a seed, if nothing else.

Sniffles for Palestine

Originally posted 1/18/2009, transferred from other blog

Last night, I went with several others to the Israeli Consulate in Boston to protest Israel's actions in Gaza over the past few months. It was cold as hell, but I was willing to endure it for the cause. I had made a poster earlier in the day, in Arabic and reinforced with wooden dowels:

The sign reads, "Peace and the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon Gaza. Oh, Allah, the Giver of Peace, the Protector!" I made it mostly for the benefit of the Palestinians in attendance because I figured they might find the message comforting.

For quite a while, we picketed outside of the consulate, holding our signs and shouting slogans. From there, we marched to the state house and, then, to Government Center. In both places, we stopped and heard speeches. It was so uplifting to see people standing up for what's right and speaking truth to power.

Many of us, including me, nearly froze into popsicles in the single-digit degree weather, but it was worth it. Even the sniffles and sore throat I have today are worth it. I felt like we were making an important stand.

My only regret is that supporting Palestine and Palestinians is such a radical and marginal position in the U.S. In other countries -- even Israel, from what I hear -- it's an issue that you can debate openly and take a stand on. In the U.S., not so much. Everyone takes it for granted that Israel is this wonderful, glorious beacon of democracy in the Middle East that we have to support no matter what, and if you support the Palestinians beyond a basic show of sympathy, then there must be something wrong with you. As I've said elsewhere, it's time for the world to wake up and tell Israel "NO!"

Personal Ad

Name: Chris

Age: 26

Location: Boston, MA

Gender: Male

Orientation: Gay

Occupation: Sociology Ph.D. Student

Politics: Left Libertarian

Religion: Earth-based

Contact info: AIM: smartboy17 / Yahoo IM: radical_theorist_83

About Me:
I am hoping to eventually get my PhD and build a career in alternative mental health. (Ask me if you don't know what that means.) I enjoy reading good books at coffee shops, writing stories and poetry, cooking food (especially soup and pizza), taking long walks in the city and in hiking areas, playing tennis, watching fun and interesting movies, and hanging out with friends. I have a very intellectual side to me, asking deep questions and seeking the greater, deeper meaning in everything and everyone. (People often ask me questions expecting a brief answer but get an essay instead!) I also have a very spiritual side, with a fairly active religious life. At the same time, I also have a very FUN side that enjoys joking and laughing, and low-brow humor such as Scary Movie, White Chicks, and Dumb and Dumber.

Despite being a grad student, doing research, and teaching classes…I also like to let loose, open myself up to great things, and have a good, fun time! However, that does not entail the stereotypical gay lifestyle. I do not smoke or do drugs, though I do enjoy the occasional social drink, and the club scene appeals to me very little; the only way I’m interested in going to a club is if I’m with friends. In this respect, if I were a character on Queer as Folk, I’d be Michael, not Brian. Though I do like to get out and do things, as is evident in the previous paragraph, I think I’m just a homebody (or coffeeshop-body) at heart. :-)

Obviously, as evidenced by my blog title, I enjoy yarn-crafting. I just started knitting in October 2008, and crocheting in roughly November 2008. I always hear that crocheting is easier than knitting, though I honestly have found it to be the reverse for me. I want to learn more about crochet, as well as some more advanced knitting techniques. In terms of knitting, I want to try embroidery, intarsia, and Fair Isle techniques. In terms of actual items, what I’m most interested in making right now are scarves (the only thing I’ve actually attempted), sweaters, blankets, and socks. If you check my profile, look at the project called “Christmas Scarf”; I am most proud of this one because I’ve gotten the rows straight and because I was able to execute color changes successfully.

Some things I look for in a guy’s personality:
-direction and goals in life
-a long-term outlook
-empathy
-a strong emotional side
-affectionate, passionate, and sexual (hey, a man has needs!)
-mature outlook on life
-adventurous and willing to try new things
-values long-term relationships and family
-is somehow spiritual or religious (or at least respects those impulses in others)
-values quality time together
-humility without self-deprecation

Some things I tend to like physically (but do not limit myself to):
-about my height (5’7)
-dark skin and hair (e.g., Latino, Italian, Middle Eastern, South Asian, etc.)
-slim, athletic/muscular, average, few extra pounds, OR somewhat on the chubby side
-minimal body hair

I find myself attracted to both fem guys AND masculine guys, for different reasons, and everywhere in between. I might find myself drawn to a shorter, slender, fem guy one day…and then to a taller, muscular, masculine guy in the near future! I sometimes joke that I’m really bisexual, that I simply like for my girls to be boys, too! ;-)

Sweet Tea

(Makes 1 gallon)

Materials
Gallon pitcher
Pan
Measuring cup
Mixing spoon
Tall glasses and ice

Ingredients
Water
14 Lipton tea bags (Personal size, not family size)
Two cups sugar
Pinch of baking soda

Directions

1. Heat roughly 1/3 - 1/2 of a gallon of water to boiling
2. Place 14 tea bags into the water and boil them for 5 minutes.
3. At the same time, pour two cups of sugar, 1/3 gallon of water (the colder, the better), and a pinch of baking soda into the pitcher. Stir until the tea is finished boiling.
4. When the tea has finished boiling, pour the tea into the pitcher, stirring the entire time. Squeeze any remaining tea from the bags and pour into the pitcher.
5. Fill the pitcher up to 1 gallon with cold water.
6. Cover and wait for the mixture to cool to room temperature.
7. Fill glasses with ice and pour in tea. Wait for the ice to melt a bit (roughly 5-10 minutes) to dilute the tea a bit. (Otherwise, it will be too sweet.)
8. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I did not dream up this recipe on my own. I got aspects of it (particuarly the baking soda part) from another website that I cannot yet remember...

Christmas Scarf

This scarf is -- or, rather, will be -- perfect for the winter season. The colors are your classic Christmas colors, red and green. Plus, if you choose darker shades of red and green, as I have, the Christmas-y aspect will be modest enough that you could wear it anytime at all. Even though Christmas is already over, I really, really look forward to wearing it. As you can see, it is not finished yet, but I have confidence that it will turn out great, inshallah.

Materials
Two skeins of Cascade 220, one red and one green (shades up to you)
Two size 7 needles
Scissors

Directions
1. Cast on 46 stitches using one color yarn.
2. First row: K1; p2, K2 until the last stitch; p1
3. Work the next 19 rows same as above.
4. Change to the other yarn, and work the next 20 rows same as above.
5. Change back to the previous color, working the next 20 rows the same.
6. Repeat 4 and 5 until your scarf is at the desired length.
7. Bind off in pattern and, if you have enough yarn, you may add a fringe or some other finishing touch, if you like.

NOTES: You can cast on a different (even) number of stitches, if you'd like the scarf narrower or wider. You can also make color changes more or less often, depending on how wide you want the stripes to be.

Tamarind-Tomato-Chili Soup

Tamarind-Tomato-Chili Soup

~3 lbs of meat or meat substitute
10 cups of water
One medium or large onion
Three cloves of garlic
1 packet of Knorr Tamarind Soup Base (Sinigang sa Sampalok Mix)
4 cubes or packets of boullion (according to your meat or substitute)
1 15 oz. can of stewed or diced tomatoes
1 15 oz. can of asparagus (drained)
1 15 oz. can of corn kernels (drained)
1 29 oz. can of chili beans w/ sauce (not drained)
Other veggies of choice
1-2 tsp. salt
Seasonings of choice

Directions:

Start heating water to near boiling, but not quite. *In the meantime, prepare your meat or substitute by cutting it into bite-sized pieces -- either trimming off any fat or leaving it on, depending on your preference. After trimming off the fat, you can boil it with the rest of the ingredients and remove it at the end. Also, cut the onion in half, in fourths, or even smaller, and peel and dice the garlic cloves.

Once the water is hot but not quite boiling, you can put the meat pieces, onion, and garlic into the water and let it simmer for about 10 minutes. Then, you can add the soup base, boullion, and tomatoes.

Let mixture simmer for 10 more minutes, and then add the asparagus, corn, chili beans, mushrooms, other veggies, and salt to the mix. After mixture has simmered for 10 more minutes, taste the broth and add salt, pepper, and other seasonings until the broth tastes just the way you like. (I often use Lawry's Seasoned Salt, pumpkin pie spice, and pepper.)

If you are using tofu or another meat substitue, you are finished! Otherwise, check a piece (or a few pieces) of meat to make sure it's done all the way through. If so, you are finished. If not, then let mixture simmer some more, until meat seems to be thoroughly cooked.

When finished, turn off stove and let soup sit for a while so that the flavors have time to meld into one another and so that the soup can cool to a safe, yet still very warm, temperature.

Try with a baguette, or by itself. You may also find you enjoy sipping a mug of the broth, on its own. It's that good!

NOTES:
1. Unless you're feeding a large group, you will have leftovers, which is the intention of this recipe.
2. Instead of cutting the meat up at the beginning, you can boil the whole chicken, pot roast, etc. whole for 1-1.5 hrs, remove it, drain it, cut it into smaller pieces, and put the pieces back into the mixture.
3. The other veggies are up to you. Personally, I'm partial to options like sliced mushrooms and/or fire-roasted peppers.

This version is made with tofu:

Couldn't go on believing

As of Saturday evening, May 2, I pretty much officially stopped calling myself a "Muslim." The last prayer I prayed was Dhuhr, earlier that day. Before then, I had already been struggling a lot with lots of doubts about the practices and beliefs of Islam and whether or not I found them plausible and meaningful to me and my life. (Here is an earlier post about some of my doubts and concerns.) Yet, I continued to do the prayers and follow the rules, in spite of my doubts and misgivings. You could say I was being a "trooper." At the same time, though, I kept thinking "What am I doing?" and "This isn't right!" There were many things I simply could not reconcile with my sense of reason and rationality or with my internal moral compass:

***I cannot see value in performing a specific number of prayers in a specific way, at specific times of day, in a language I don't even understand (aside from knowing in the back of my mind what the Arabic words mean). It certainly doesn't help me grow closer to God, nor could it possibly honor Him if my heart is not in it. I'd be doing much better to pray in my own language, when and how I am moved by the spirit to do so, from the heart.

***The other pillars also seem a bit hokey to me. Zakat (charity) makes sense, but not if it entails trying to figure out a specific dollar amount; the amount I donate should be based on my own reasoning and the dictates of my conscience. For many people, fasting can be a deep and transformative spirtual experience with many benefits; for me, it is none of those, and I'd do better to seek the same benefits through alternative means. Hajj, the pilgrimage to Mecca, seems like an enjoyable and transformative experience; or, rather, it would be, if it did not consist of a bunch of predetermined scripted movements, if I could do it in my own way at whatever time of year was the most appropriate for me.

***Can I see Muhammad as a holy man, a moral exemplar, and an inspirational figure? Sure. But I cannot see him as being sinless; as being worthy of recognition above and beyond other equally great historical figures (e.g., Buddha); or as having any ultimate authority or "the last word." Furthermore, he did a number of things that were just plain wrong, such as the massacre of hundreds of men from the Banu Qurayza tribe; whatever the tribe may have been guilty of, such a reaction by Muhammad violates my most basic moral principles.

***I cannot regard the harsher punishments (stoning for adultery, amputation for stealing, lashing for premarital sex, etc.) as anything other than barbaric and unjust. Adultery calls for couples counseling and/or divorce, not execution! Stealing calls for fines or jail, not amputating a part of the body! I'm aware of the reasoning behind it and the stringent standards of evidence, but none of that makes it at all justifiable or morally or ethically acceptable. Even if the standards of evidence were so stringent that there was only a 0.00001% chance of someone actually receiving one of those barbaric punishments, that 0.00001% would still be too much!

***I cannot buy into the idea of the Qur'an as the perfect word of God. Yes, there is a lot in it that's praiseworthy. Yes, it sounds nice when recited by a trained reciter. Does that make it divine? Not really. Besides, there is a lot in there that is problematic. For example, the verses about beating wives and fighting disbelievers. Granted, those are not as bad once placed into context and supplemented with Prophetic sayings that clarify their meaning. Still, those verses are used to justify atrocities against women, non-Muslims, dissident Muslims, etc.; would an omniscient God not be aware of how his verses could be misused and would, therefore, an omnipotent God not be able to phrase them so carefully that misuse would be impossible?

***One refrain I hear repeatedly from Muslims is that Islam is a complete way of life. For me, that is precisely one of the religion's biggest problems. I don't need every aspect of my life to be micro-managed. Maybe some people really do need a rule-book to tell them how to pray, exactly how much to donate to charity, what to eat, what hand to eat with, what to wear, who to associate with, how to wipe after taking a dump, etc. etc. If so, then more power to them. For me, anything that goes beyond basic theological notions and simple moral and ethical principles is excessive and needless.

***I cannot accept rules that I find senseless and irrational, such as prohibiting the consumption of pork and alcohol. Even if one can make the case that they are harmful, unhealthy, etc., that does not make it a moral/ethical issue, nor does it justify any actual prohibition.

***This world (the dunya) and the hereafter. How many Friday sermons have I heard, where the speaker stresses the importance of focusing on the hereafter rather than this life? (So that we don't break the rules and end up in Hell, of course!) So, let me get this straight. Even though we are stuck in this life for as long as 70+ years, even though this life is the only life we are familiar with and can concretely imagine and conceptualize, we are supposed to focus instead on a phase and state of being (the hereafter) that completely defies our reason and our imaginations? Even though this world is the only one that is real or meaningful to us, we are supposed to focus on one so unreal? And, if we fail at that, we deserve eternal punishment? Yeah, that makes a LOT of sense! -sarcasm-

***I cannot buy the notion that Islam is somehow "complete" and therefore renders other traditions obsolete. As I stated in a blog post talking about entering Islam, there are many aspects of the religion that I find very praiseworthy. However, I also feel like Islam (like any other tradition) is far from complete and that its adherents could learn a lot from other traditions (Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, paganism, etc.).

As I type all of that, as extensive as it is, I feel like it is still insufficient to accurately capture all the concerns, doubts, and misgivings that made it impossible for me to continue calling myself a "Muslim" or to continue adhering to the practices. There are so many more. The funny part is, none of it has to do with homosexuality. One might have assumed that, if I were gonna abandon Islam at all, it would be over that issue. However, the truth is, while I reconciled the Islam/homosexuality issue, it turned out there were many other issues I had not reconciled in the past and could not reconcile now. Thus, on Saturday, May 2, after having prayed Dhuhr earlier in the day, instead of praying `Asr, I took a walk.

I went on a walk around a large lake and contemplated what, exactly, I truly believe (or don't believe) to begin with. What I figured out during that walk was pretty amazing. My only regret is that I didn't write the stuff down as I was thinking it, so I'm stuck trying to recall a lot of it from memory. (That often happens to me; I have wonderful, deep thoughts...and then forget them!) Basically, what I realized is that I am modern, Western, and secular, at heart. I am a believer in science and reason and a skeptic of faith, tradition, and anything else that cannot be justified with respect to evidence and logical arguments; plus, as I once said years ago, I have little use for gods, spirits, and spooks. This is not to say I do not believe in God or care for spirituality; nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that I now realize that, if I am to believe in something, it must be reasonable to me, compatible with my
conscience, and meaningful to me, and it should make sense in terms of the realities of my life. I realize that my personal belief system must come from within: When deciding what to believe, my reason and my conscience must be the final arbiters, not religions, books, traditions, or so-called "authorities." I can borrow and learn from other traditions without embracing them wholesale.

This, of course, leaves the question of how I ended up in Islam in the first place. Ultimately, what I think happened was that I was drawn in by the various praiseworthy aspects and aesthetic dimensions (e.g., Qur'an recitation) and my admiration of other Muslims. That, and there was also the concern that, just maybe, Islam (not Christianity) was the true religion all along, or is it Christianity? It became largely a question of whether I was more afraid of Christian Hell or Muslim Hell. All this led to me feeling like I should be a part of Islam. All that was left, as far as I knew was to reconcile it with my sexual orientation, which came to me fairly easily, so I ended up rationalizing or ignoring other problematic elements like those I listed above. I think I believed in it because I wanted to believe in it. And I did, from October 2006 to May 2, 2009. I took joy in the parts that I liked and tried to find ways to be
at peace with the parts that I did not like. I enjoyed the Muslim community and convinced myself that the practices and rules I didn't really care for were for my own good. For about 2.5 years, I did the whole Islam thing. Until I could no longer believe.

Then, I have to wonder, why was I brought into Islam for these two and a half years, to begin with? There have been substantial benefits from it. I became more conscientious about my relationship with God. I met some wonderful friends...and even fell in love with someone! (A cute Palestinian boy who, sadly for me, is graduating this month and who I won't see again.) I learned to be honest with myself about some issues that I had with Christianity (e.g., the idea of "original sin"). I realized that I can commit to something and stick with it. What I'm thinking is this: Islam was brought into my life in order to teach me a lesson about being self-aware of what I believe and why I believe it, as well as the importance of thinking outside the box of tradition and familiarity. Specifically, the Abrahamic box. After all, I could never be Christian again, or Jewish, either, simply because those traditions also have stuff that I cannot accept
("original sin," the violence in the Old Testament, etc.). I must be willing to conceptualize God and connect with Him outside of the language, frameworks, and worldviews of the Abrahamic traditions. I must be able to form my own relationship with God, on my own terms, as He made me, specifically. This also means being open to wisdom from other traditions, as well. After all, many of these were developing at the same time as the Abrahamic ones, and surely, all were products of their times and places. It's easy to say "No, no, ours has nothing to do with time or place because it came directly from God!" To me, however, that just smacks of a cop-out.

Of course, I have no intention of badmouthing Islam or any other religion. I have no desire to join the ranks of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Ibn Warraq, Nonie Darwish, and their likes. As I said before, I think Islam and its sister faiths (Judaism and Christianity) have many praiseworthy aspects and are probably very beneficial to the lives of most of their adherents. Some benefit from the traditions and stay within them. Some do not benefit with them but stay out of social pressure or, in the case of Islam, fear for their lives. Some do not benefit and make the choice either to leave or to stay behind and work for reform. I retain my esteem for Muslims, Christians, and Jews (along with other religions) and will continue to do so. I'll simply be connecting with God in my own way.

Admittedly, not practicing Islam feels strange after two and a half years of practicing. At first, it felt weird not praying, not getting up for Fajr, having a drink with my friends, or getting bacon on a sandwich. At the same time, it feels natural and normal; I could accurately say that it feels like waking up from a dream. You remember what happened, but it just doesn't feel real anymore. It's like, on one hand I'm thinking "Goodness! Why am I not praying? Why am I consuming these things?" On the other, because of the rationality factor, it's like, "Of course I'm not praying these mechanical prayers! Of course I'm fine with having a drink or a piece of bacon!" At least now things feel a bit more natural and normal. And, for the record, I haven't been taking liberties with my new freedom with regard to alcohol and pork. Been rather sparing, in fact. :-P

The last thing, and I'll end with this, is that I am starting to wonder what religion, if any, I'll go to next. Right now, the three I'm most closely looking at are (in no particular order) Buddhism, some form of Neopaganism, and Unitarian Universalism (UU). UU might seem like the most logical choice, but the other two also have substantial appeals, as well. I am thinking that the most logical thing for me to do right now is to just be ME for a while and not feel like I have to commit myself to any one community or tradition now. I should explore and see which, if any, is most appropriate for me. (Who knows, I may later decide Islam is right, after all. Unlikely, but nothing is impossible!) Until then, "exploration" and "contemplation" are the key words.

My love and best wishes to everyone. God bless!

Never be caught unprepared

Salaam aleikum,

Today, I was riding on the public bus, on my way to visit a very good friend of mine, and a pair of Mormon guys got on the bus. They were wearing the white shirts with the name tags--missionaries. One of them came back and sat near me, and started up a conversation with me. Now, I am from the Southern United States, the land of Christian evangelism, so I immediately knew what his goal was. We started by talking about the weather and the landscape of Boston and Massachusetts versus that of Utah (where he was from) and the South. Inevitably, the conversation drifted towards religion, and he told me about his life as a missionary; Mormons are all supposed to do two years of missionary work, putting the rest of their lives on hold for the time being. It's actually rather demanding and busy work, and it's to his credit that he's able to pull it off. He talked about being called by God to the Massachusetts area to "bring people to Christ." (The quotes are merely to distinguish his belief from my own Islamic view of Jesus, peace be upon him.)

One thing he asked me was what church I attended, so I had to explain that, in my case, it's a not a church but a mosque. This led to further conversation, in which I explained that I did not grow up a Muslim but converted back in October of 2006, following my trips to Palestine and Jordan. He mentioned that, when he thinks of Muslims, he thinks of India, due to his own cultural experience, so I explained to him that country with the largest Muslim population is actually Indonesia, followed by three South Asian countries and then Egypt. So, I get the impression he got a bit of an education about Islam there.

As we neared the end of the bus ride, before he and his fellow missionary had to disembark, he gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon, having wrote his and his friend's names and number in there. He wanted to come to my place at some point to talk, but I kinda vetoed the idea at that time -- not that I'm not open to hearing his beliefs, but not too interested in a conversion attempt. Still, I have the option to call if I ever want to chat with him about his beliefs. After he got off, I felt good that I had been able to connect with him in that way and talk about religion and belief, and I hope he and his friend had a good day from that point forward. I do plan to give that Book of Mormon a look-over, if for no other reason than to learn more.

One thing bothers me, though: I had nothing to give him. That is, I had no Qur'an to give him in return, so that he could learn a little about what Islam teaches. All I would have needed would have been a small Yusuf Ali translation to take out and give to him. I'm sure he would have taken it and would have eventually read it, had I done so. The point is not to convert him myself; indeed, I cannot do so. Only the individual him/herself can pronounce the words "La ilaha ill Allah wa Muhammad rasul Allah." Still, we can plant the seeds that Allah (swt) Himself can water; we can give a non-Muslim a Qur'an and let Allah guide him/her. But today, I was unable to do provide that seed. I was unprepared.

It's not like I committed some grievous sin. After all, I'm sure few Muslims carry around several pocket Qur'ans on a daily basis, so this is no necessary failure of mine. Still, what a blessing it would have been to have had the capacity to do so. Kind of a "holy book trade," LOL!

The point of writing this is to advise you not to be caught unprepared. Always be ready to share Islam with someone, to the extent that you are able. It is not necessary to have a degree from Al-Azhar or anything like that. If you are able to tell them more, answer more complicated questions, or give them a Qur'an, then jazakallah khayrun; if not, though, don't sweat it. If you can just give a 5-minute introduction, along with a guide to further resources, you will have already accomplished a lot. Remember, Allah (swt) doesn't need your help, at all; He could turn the entire world Muslim instantaneously, if it were His will. Thus, if you can only give a short introduction to Islam, you have already done plenty, and there is a reward from Allah (swt) for that.

Just make sure that you are prepared, in some form or fashion. If you know nothing of your faith, learn about it. If you know something of it, learn more. Know some primary books, authors, and websites to which to direct interested individuals. Practice your religion, to the extent that you are able, and have some knowledge of why you do what you're doing. You don't have to go around actively "evangelizing" non-Muslims, but certainly be ready to become a temporary "evangelist" for Islam, if someone inquires about it.

When I was in Jordan the summer of '06, I was already interested in Islam, but there was one person, and only one, that I felt comfortable talking to at the time. She seemed to feel a little unsure of herself, on some level, but she had the courage and faith to do so and ended up making a substantial contribution to my own journey to Islam. I don't know whether or how things would have been different, had she not been able or willing to talk to me. All this goes to say, that sometimes YOU may be the one who needs to do the job. YOU might be the critical person, the one they need at that time to help them learn more about Islam or come closer to taking the shahadah. The task may be yours, whether you feel ready for it or not. Don't be unprepared!

Wasalaam,
Chris

Hell? I think not!

I was at a halaqa earlier this evening with my university's Muslim Students Association (MSA), and we were discussing a passage from the Qur'an (Surat al-Baqarah, Verses 30-38). Our discussion actually covered a wide range of material, so I won't even try to review everything; such a task would be herculean, to say the least. However, there was one point that kinda stuck with me: One participant made the comment that the world we were in was, in fact, hell.

This is an idea that I've heard repeated many times in various contexts. Supposedly, how it goes it that the world has so many problems (war, genocide, oppression, famine, poverty, sickness, pollution, natural disasters, etc., etc.) that it, in fact, is synonymous with hell--rather than hell being some kind of scary place that you go to after death to be punished for being bad in life. I can see where they are coming from, the people who argue that, but I don't know if I buy it. A debate about the theological validity of such a proposition is beyond the scope of a mere blog post, but I can challenge it on a more concrete level.

Quite simply: I don't think this world could be characterized as "hell" at all! On the contrary, I think it's a pretty darned awesome world!

I mean, of course there are all the things I mentioned. The past century saw such horrors as the regimes of Hitler, Stalin, and Mao, just to name a few; no one can deny the evil that was done, it was so terrible! Many died, while others lived but suffered. Those crimes against humanity will live on in infamy....

But only for so long! For all they did, the world has already healed drastically and has somewhat moved on--not completely, but certainly to an impressive extent. To the majority of humankind, Hitler and Stalin and Mao are just losers, basically. No renown, no glory, no nothing. Give it a few centuries, and they'll likely become a distant memory, to the extent that's possible.

Now, contrast these individuals to the Messengers of Islam (peace be upon them). Hitler, Stalin, and Mao may have been a big deal in their time, and are today, but they're really kinda pathetic compared to the Messengers. Jesus and Muhammad, for example, have legacies lasting 1400-2000 years after they lived, legacies that touch every corner of the earth. They may have had much less power and resources (particularly Jesus), but their impacts upon the course of human history easily dwarfs that of the mega-tyrants of the last century. Jesus' and Muhammad's basic goodness and moral examples, and those of their followers, radiated out from them like pure light, touching and transforming everything in their path.

Hitler was known as a skilled orator, in his day, but what if he had confronted any Messenger in a battle of wits? Surely, no more than one of Jesus' famous one-liners would have been necessary to completely floor him. Messengers from Allah (swt) generally don't need many words to answer their opponents. Furthermore, who will remember Hitler's speeches millenia from now? Or even just centuries? Some historians, perhaps. Yet Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount" and Muhammad's last sermon are as dear to us today as they were to their contemporaries back in the day, and they are constantly read by everyone from the highly-trained religious scholar to the simple family (wo)man.

Though Jesus and Muhammad, and the other prophets, peace be upon them all, are no longer with us physically...their goodness lives on. You can see it all around, if you open your eyes. Every bit of goodness is like a blooming flower, made of pure white light, shining brightly. The Episcopalian group that I participated in when I first started grad school and the MSA that I became involved with after embracing Islam are both excellent examples of this goodness -- people just getting together to worship God and enjoy themselves. Another example would be the number of delightful individuals you encounter on a daily basis, the ones whose mere presence offers comfort and makes you smile; it's as if God himself put them in your path, knowing you'd need them, eventually.

For all the social ills I mentioned earlier, each is matched by numerous committed and caring individuals determined to ease suffering and find solutions. There are peace groups opposing the U.S. war in Iraq and the Israeli occupation of Palestine, relief groups trying to rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, and medical groups working on the HIV/AIDS crisis in sub-Saharan Africa. The goodness is everywhere, if one can only see it. How such a world could be "hell" is beyond me!

Wasalaam

All That I Want (Prologue)

First, he turned his head to the right. "Assalaamu aleikum wa rahmatullah." And then to the left. "Assalaamu aleikum wa rahmatullah." God, his neck is so kissable...

But, then, he snapped back to reality. "Why am I even thinking about this during Juma?" He wondered. "And, why him? Is there a point to this -- me being so captivated by this beautiful young man next to me? Why do I have to have the hots for one of these guys? There's plenty of Muslim guys out there who have already realized they're gay, worked through any issues, and came out. Why can't I just stick to them?"

Before he could think anymore, everyone on his row stood up to perform Sunnah rakats...

Handing Things Over to Allah

Let's be blunt: I want stuff to happen, and I'll generally do my damndest (pardon my French) to make it happen--as long as the means are morally permissible, of course. Three examples will suffice.

First, as an undergrad at the Univ. of Mississippi, I was the resident notorious gay leftist, and I made it my business to make sure my perspective was heard. Whether it was the war in Iraq, women's rights, or GLBT issues, I had something very brash and controversial to say. Moreover, I spend years trying to persuade other GLBT students, who were much less out and political than myself, to be more open and defiant of the status quo. I promoted my ideas through opinion columns and letters to the editor, activism, and through my conversations (i.e., arguments) with other GLBT students there. Although there were a minority who were sympathetic and/or supportive, I never managed to really spur people to real, defiant action.

Another example: I want a guy, a life partner, someone with whom I'll share my life, my home, and maybe even 2.6 kids and a dog. And I want him now! LOL. Seriously, I really have no desire to date one guy after another, spending weeks or months in uncertainty as we continually decide whether to pursue the relationship further, only to break up and repeat the process, over and over, until I finally find him. That's right, I don't want to go through all the mess of serial dating that is so common within our society, I don't want to "live life a bit," and I don't want to "sow my wild oats." I just want to find the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with (insha'Allah) and start building our life together.

Finally, being a recent convert to Islam, I am naturally excited about the faith, and I want to spread it to others, as well as do what I can to help those who may have strayed from their faith or are struggling with it. In particular, I sometimes run across GLBT born Muslims who fit this description because of a perceived conflict between Islam and their sexuality, and I want nothing more than for them to resolve this conflict so that they can be happily gay and happily Muslim. Furthermore, due to my own American, non-Muslim background, I feel like I have much to contribute to the GLBT Muslim movement because I'm coming from a place in life where I don't feel compelled to keep silent and conform in order to maintain peace and order; far be it from me to sow fitna, but I'm not afraid to rock the boat when it needs rocking.

I have spent most of my life excessively confident in my own ability to make things happen. Although I believed in God, I still relied on myself to get the job done, in the end. Connected to this was my belief that, in order to define my efforts as "successful," I also had to see my desired ends come to pass right then and there. Naturally, this led to much frustration and wasted time and energy on my own part:

• When I continually failed to convince my fellow GLBT students to engage in some substantial show of activism, like a rally or protest, I just got more and more frustrated--with them for not seeing the light and with myself for not being more effective.
  
• In my desire to find my true love, I have expended way too many resources already trying to make it happen--whether it means spending too much time in chat rooms hoping that a guy I might like will message me, or worrying too much about what impression I give off. Sometimes, this has even resulted in me "settling-for" guys to whom I wasn't attracted or didn't click with, just so that I could have someone. I've always been told that the best way to find someone is to stop looking, but convincing myself to do so has always been the hard part.
• When I meet a GLBT Muslim who is weak in his/her faith, or has left the faith, my most desired goal is to change this and bring this person to a point where s/he is excited about Islam like never before. The problem here is that I feel obligated to accomplish that immediately and entirely by my own efforts--as if I'm a failure unless I convince this person to reaffirm his/her commitment to Islam by the time the conversation is over. (Like, this one time, I was on my way to meet a young Pakistani man who had ceased to believe in Islam, and I was worrying about whether, within the space of this one conversation, I'd be able to help him reconcile his sexuality and Islam so that he could resume practicing.)

This is so reflective of a classic individualistic and secular American mindset: the enshrinement of the autonomous self. Our personal center in life is often nothing more than ourselves. We act in order to please ourselves and imagine that we are somehow independent of our creator, Allah (swt). Little do we know that the end results of our actions, whether we succeed or fail, is by His leave and His alone. Little do we know how dependent we are upon His will to see our ends come to fruition, if they are to do so at all. The Holy Qur'an says: And do not say of anything: "I will do that tomorrow," unless you add: "If Allah wills." Remember your Lord, if you forget, and say: "Perhaps, my Lord will guide me to something closer to this in rectitude?" As a Muslim, I consistently remind myself that, whatever I intend to do, the same caveat always applies: If Allah (swt) wills.

To forget this basic fact is not in our best interests. Not only is it unadvisable to forget Allah's (swt) presence, even momentarily, but it also sets us up for major disappointments, sometimes. If we imagine that we are autonomous and capable, independent of Allah (swt), then we are likely to envision goals that are beyond our true abilities; then, when those lofty imaginings do not come true, we experience frustration and pain. Allah (swt) knows I did! All these things I wanted, both for myself and for others, would frustrate me to no end when they did not come to be. Why won't these people realize the need for activism?!?! Why can't I just find a guy already?!?!

For the longest time, this was my orientation towards life. I want what I want, and I'm going to make it happen. And, much of the time, all I found was frustration. Recently, though, something happened that helped give me a new perspective on life: My meeting with the young Pakistani man really helped change my orientation.

As I said, on my way to meet him, I was concerned with whether I would have the ability to bring him back to Islam. I scribbled down a few references on a piece of paper, packed my Qur'an, and headed to the coffee shop to meet him. When I got there and we sat down, he didn't appear eager to rediscover Islam at first, nor did he become so during the conversation. What I ended up doing was just chatting with him about the story of Lut (used frequently to argue that homosexuality and Islam are incompatible), the Al-Fatiha Foundation, progressive Islam, Irshad Manji, and school in general. I didn't behave arrogantly or act like *I* knew for sure what the truth was. I just told him how I felt and what I believed, and listened politely and non-judgmentally as he shared his perspective with me.

When we'd finished talking, something amazing happened. Even though he was still estranged from Islam at the end of our conversation, I asked him if he'd like to come to the bookstore with me so I could show him some books that express views similar to mine...and he accepted! We walked over, and I showed him books by such authors as Reza Aslan, Asra Nomani, and Omid Safi. He was clearly interested in this material and asked me to send him a list of these authors and their texts--which I later did, of course.

Now, I cannot read minds, so I cannot tell you for sure what this young man's motivation was for wanting these references. Still, part of me just has to believe that this was an indication that he wanted to find a way back to Islam...and that I, somehow, was able to help. It could be that our conversation inspired an interest in giving the faith another chance, or perhaps he was already interested, and I simply gave him hope that it would be possible. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is what Allah (swt) chooses to do with the results. I haven't spoken to the young man since then, but I would like to think that he has been checking out the references I gave him, learning to see Islam in a new light, and inching towards embracing the faith anew. The interest he displayed at the bookstore gives me hope that he is.

As I was heading back home after that, I was feeling peaceful because I realized that, while so many things are beyond my own power, that is okay. If I can only accomplish small things, that is fine. Whatever little bit of good I can originate, Allah (swt) can multiply it many times over. If I cannot inspire someone to embrace Islam, maybe I can open their mind and heart to it just a little bit, and Allah (swt) will lead them the rest of the way. Even though I failed to create a mass movement during college, perhaps some person or people who heard me talking or read one of my columns, but didn't buy it back then, will someday remember what I said and see it in a new light. I have yet to find the love of my life, but perhaps whatever it is I'm doing at this moment is leading me right to him, only without my knowledge of what's going on. I need only attend to the little stuff because I can trust that Allah (swt) is taking care of that which is beyond my ability.

Now, instead of wondering how *I* can make what *I* want happen, I seek to find out what Allah (swt) wants and what He wants me to do in order to make it happen. It does not mean that I take a passive role in life, now; far from it--I try to be as proactive as possible. The difference is that I now know (a) that I need His help in order to make things happen and (b) that I need never despair of His compassion and mercy.

I am but one human being--limited and fallible. But Allah (swt) is omnipotent and perfect. I can do only so much, but He can do anything. I am the creation, He is my Creator. I worship Him and none other. La hawla wa la quwatta illa billah. (There is no power and no strength except with God.) And why should it be otherwise? Can the creation ever measure up to its creator? I think not. In this life, I have only to do my absolute best, in good faith, and trust that Allah (swt) is taking care of the big stuff. I hand every bit of it over to Him.

Alhamdulillah! (Allah be praised!)

My road to Islam

I was "drawn" to Islam while studying in Jordan this past summer, when I started reading an English translation of the Qur'an, and I was very taken by the book's stream of continuous devotion to God. I was already happy in my current Christian faith, but then, Islam just entranced me. (Kinda of like you might have a favorite flavor of ice cream that you absolutely love, but then, one day, you discover a new flavor that appeals to you even more). I started to think that maybe I should be a Muslim, too.

Although I had already been confirmed in the Episcopal Church a little over a year ago and found the experience and the community to be very rewarding, the thought of making yet another conversion suddenly came into my consciousness. I mean, I was already open to Islam, and I felt that Christians and Jews everywhere should embrace al-Qur'an and the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) as legitimate and authentic sources regarding the will of God. (Even within the parameters of their own respective faiths.) I also found the Muslim conception of Jesus (pbuh) very interesting and compelling. I occasionally wondered what it'd be like to convert/revert* and whether (and, if so, how) my life would be different. When I heard the adhan (the Muslim call to prayer), a little part of me wanted to be there.

(*The use of the term "revert" reflects many Muslims' contention that we are all born in a state of "Islam"--submission to God--that is often taken from us as we are socialized with different values. Thus, when a non-Muslim chooses to embrace Islam, many of us say that s/he reverted, rather than converted--i.e., s/he reverted to his/her original state of Islam. Thus, I will use the term "revert" in most cases.)

Of course, there was still the problem that in Islam (unlike in Christianity and Judaism), it would be difficult to find Muslims supportive of me--that is, supportive of me as I am (i.e., gay and progressive), not as they'd like me to be. To that end, I checked out some progressive Muslim sites, which I find to be very positive. I was pleased to find out that it is possible to revert and maintain a progressive outlook--even more pleased to discover that there are LGBT reverts! Thus, I could be both a politically progressive gay person and Muslim, at least from that particular point of view.

There are many things I like about the Islamic conception of God, the cosmos, and life in general:
-You can have a direct and immediate relationship with God, without a mediator.
-God is as merciful as He is harsh (in contrast to Christianity--which sometimes, however inadvertently, makes God seem like kind of a jerk). Coming to realize more about God's merciful nature (ar-Rahman, ar-Rahim, as-Salaam, al-Ghaffar) has led me to believe that maybe humankind doesn't need a "Savior," as such, after all. Maybe God himself is the one who saves us.
-Islam teaches that God sent prophets to many people's, all over the Earth, which could explain why so many religions teach the same thing (e.g., treat each other nicely and compassionately, be honest, don't get drunk off your ass and have promiscuous sex).
-No "Original Sin"; we're all born in a state of submission to God and an inner sense of right and wrong. (Isn't the word "fitrah"?)
-Good works (e.g., charity) and behavior (e.g., refraining from malicious gossip) have a more central place in the theology.
-Mercy, peace, and forgiveness are the ideal, but you still have the right to stand up for yourself and defend yourself.
-There is a lot of flexibility in the rules--e.g., pregnant women don't have to fast during Ramadan. I find that flexibility very important, especially as a progressive.

I spent lots of time mulling over the idea, visiting Islamic websites, watching movies, and reading when I had the time. Sometimes I would feel encouraged (e.g., when I saw the Malcolm X movie), and other times I'd feel discouraged (e.g., after visiting a very conservative Islamic website).

One very important factor that I'm really close with the Episcopal student group at my university--wonderful people whom I adore, so I continue to have concerns for how conversion will affect my relationships there. (Fortunately, I'm not particularly worried.)

I was also concerned with whether or not I'd be able to maintain stuff like prayers and fasting. I'm kinda scatterbrained, which affects my ability to keep up a regular prayer schedule, and I was unsure about my ability to maintain a fast--especially given how much I enjoy food and water!

There was also the issue of my beliefs about the Trinity--Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; what really helped me there was to realize that because I didn't really accept the idea of Original Sin in my heart anyway, because I believed in the idea of fitrah (natural sense of right and wrong), and because I realized that Allah is Himself merciful, we don't really need a "Savior." Letting go of the Trinity has had a number of positive effects for me: not having to worry constantly over who is "saved" and who is not (because Allah's mercy is sufficient for all who submit themselves to Him), developing a greater emphasis on enjoining good and forbidding evil (because good works and behavior now count for more), and being free to focus more on Prophet Jesus' (pbuh) ethical teachings and his example as a Muslim (i.e., as a submitter to the one true God).

Finally, I had my concern about other Muslims. Will they accept me? Will they be willing to "agree to disagree" on some issues? Will I be able to find fellow Muslims with whom I can relate? Will I have to worry about threats to my physical safety or life if I want to be active as a progressive gay Muslim? I'm still trying to figure out what my relationship to other Muslims will be.

Eventually, though, I came to realize that I already believe that Islam is the truth--or, at least, the most truthful of the religions I've came across. I believe in God's singular and infinite nature and in Muhammad's (pbuh) prophethood, so there was really no reason I shouldn't pronounce the shahadah ("There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet"). I did, and it felt pretty good, and I just have to stop worrying about the little things and trust that Allah will protect and provide.

At the present time, I'm still just easing my way into a more observant lifestyle; like, I don't do alcohol or pork anymore. (Though I do plan to continue being very gay, LOL!) The prayers and the fasting are unique challenges for me, especially in the area of discipline. Then again, the little rules and details don't weigh on my mind much, since I was looking in Islam not for a rulebook to tell me what to do and when to do it (i.e., no plans to become an imitation 7th-century Arab...apologies to the fundamentalists...well, not really); rather, I was interested in it has to offer in terms of a relationship with God, and I think that's pretty darned awesome!

Ramadan Mubarak,
Chris/Bashir