Steel Magnolias or Heathers?

Originally posted 1/21/2009, transferred from other blog

This is an expression of my lingering discontent with the queer community -- well, really, the gay male community -- and the way it's members treat each other. Specifically, I am speaking of the way all queer persons, including and especially gay men, should be treating each other...versus the way we generally do treat other.

To put it quite briefly: I came out of the closet and into the gay community expecting Steel Magnolias; what I got was Heathers.

Steel Magnolias told the story of five strong and vivacious Southern women who supported each other through thick and thin, celebrating with each other through the good times and supporting each other through the bad. Sometimes they laughed with each other, sometimes they argued with each other, but always they nurtured each other.

This is what I wanted -- and naïvely thought I'd find -- when I found my way into the gay community. Having grown up in a heteronormative society, and in a particularly heterosexist culture (the Deep South, specifically Mississippi), I wanted nothing more to find a community of people who could and would understand and support me -- and me them. We share the misfortune of being in a heteronormative and often heterosexist society, and it is only rational that we should band together and be a source of safety and comfort to one another.

Did this happen? Not exactly. While I did make lots of GLBT friends, and continue to do so as time goes on, I had a lot of negative experiences with the gay male community in particular.

Heathers is a movie about a high-school clique, a group of popular girls who not only lord their social status over their fellow students and treat them like garbage but also undermine and backstab each other in the process. This is largely what I've seen from the gay male community.

• I have had other gay guys be catty to me and try to wreck me emotionally simply because I was there and an easy target.
• I have been shunned by other gay men for being too openly gay, for being too political, for being insufficiently masculine or "in shape," for not looking like the guys in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogues, for not being outgoing enough, for , for , for
• I have been told by other gay men that I am ugly, undateable, unworthy, un-this, un-that.
• I have heard stories from non-white gay male friends about being subject to racism in the largely white-dominated gay community.
• I have seen entirely too many gay personal ads that say "no fats, flamers, or fems" and other stuff like that, with no immediately evident recognition of these people's basic human value.
• I have seen too many mainstream gay magazines and gay films whose models and actors are always conventionally attractive.

Last, and perhaps most important and unfortunate, I have sometimes allowed this to affect my own self-image -- actually starting to see myself the way that I imagine other gay men see me. Thinking I'm unattractive even though I have a cute face, an acceptable body, and fairly decent fashion sense -- and, quite frankly, am pretty doggone adorable! ;-) Thinking I am undateable even though I possess a number of positive personal characteristics, substantial intelligence, and a good heart. Thinking I need to change myself to find happiness when all I really need is to find the various blessings that Allah (a.k.a. "God," "Jehovah," etc.) has placed in this world for me.

I want to get mad at someone. Should I get mad at the specific people (gay men and others) who have mistreated me and other fellow gay men? Should I get mad at the gay male community as a whole for engendering/condoning/allowing this? Should I get mad at society itself for turning so many gay men into such horrible creatures, into Heathers with Y-chromosomes? Should I get mad only at myself for having ever allowed anyone -- be it a homophobe or a nasty, catty gay man -- to make me feel less than I truly am?

I have to blame society in part. As many of my friends have pointed out, growing up gay means being subjected to a number of negative and damaging emotional experiences, and all of these nasty attitudes and behaviors on the parts of gay men can be seen as a defensive maneuver. If you have been told you are inferior or unworthy, then convince yourself that you are superior, worthier, and entitled to special treatment and benefits -- while everyone else, including and especially your fellow gay men, are to be treated as inferior. By treating others selfishly and nastily, you are thereby confirming the status of superiority you have assigned to yourself. Google the term "narcissism" or "narcissistic personality disorder" and you are likely to find a number of sources identifying low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy as possible root causes.

Understanding it, however, is not sufficient to erase or counteract its effects. No matter how many people tell me, or how many times I tell myself, that I am an incredible, beautiful human being, there will always be the nagging voices lingering in my head that want me to believe otherwise, hoping to increase their own worth by diminishing my worth and anyone else's that they can reach.

No, what we need is something more profound from the GLBT community more broadly and from gay men specifically. Something like a commitment to make Steel Magnolias a reality for us all and to put the Heathers of the gay community in their place. Creating a world where every young gay boy coming out of the closet can find that supportive network of people who will help him to be the best darned homo he can be!

When someone figures out how to accomplish that, please let me know. For the moment, just take a moment to talk to some of your friends about this; plant a seed, if nothing else.